Why I dont want to be perfect ...

I am not perfect, and I don't want to be ... its a choice that I made ... because I am afraid I wont be able to keep up with peoples expectations ... afraid that I wont be able to run twice as fast just to retain my position ... Strange isn't it? I read it is not common or normal for a guy born in the sun sign scorpio saying that he is afraid and does not want to do something, but I guess scorpios are by nature hard to understand, so the person who said that might be wrong himself.

I am no loser or idiot or a case of sour grapes - I am a fairly successful software professional, one in the millions of software professionals in India, working for a dream top Indian company and in London on a project. I am good at what I do and I do that with dedication,100%, and have yet to come across a project that failed because of me. I just look for challenges in the job and am open to experiments. I dedicate almost 75% of my time to work or technology - things that keep my day job running like a well oiled machine. I can be seen so much with my laptop that my roomies feel sad for me that I am not doing much these days.

I have a life as well, I live and enjoy my work, I live and enjoy the comfort of the feeling that tomorrow morning when I go to office I am doing what I like, and I am good at it. Apart from this I like photographer and I play with my Canon Rebel (350D) and Canon EOS 300 cameras whenever I have time. I have about 3000+ pics , a pro flickr account and 4 hard bound books of my photos. I write stories, do things for my family and the special person who has made my life even more exciting.

Thats 100% of my life as on today.

I am doing well, but trouble is that I dont want to change those percentages.

When I picked up programming in high school it was like supercharging my brain. I did not have access to a computer but I always took a piece of paper and wrote down code on that, running it in my brain. By the time I left college I knew a lot of things that my friends only had an idea about or had just read the name in a courseware. So my IT job was a godsend - I could do what I like and at the same time help out at home with the responsibilities. But after 5 years I realized that there is an ocean out there, and I am not sure I will be able to swim it all and get to the other side. I do my job properly,but every time there is something that I havent done or heard of or learnt. So I put in an effort and learn it. When I started out this list was fairly short, today I dont know how long it is. Each manager that I work with adds to that list. And each time I reprioritize that list, someone just shuffles it for me.

Right now I am not perfect - not professionally,not in personal life. People have differing, often conflicting opinions about me. I am good, but on this road to perfection I do not want to get sucked completely into anything. I want to find that perfect balance where I am happy. Happiness is important for me.

Not many people ask me how happy I am - they ask my salary, my take home, my savings from my work in London, my promotion chances, why I am in the same company after 5 years and one question that dominates all these is - when will I get ready to move on to the next role? Is there any problem?

What is this mad rush for? Can't I just sit down, enjoy the moment, enjoy myself for a while? Why should there be a problem?

I am afraid that if I try to be perfect in any part of my life I might screw the other part - I cant drown myself in my job neither can I leave the job to go to hell and enjoy my life. I do not have that freedom or background. I need both , and I cannot be perfect if I want to balance both at the same time. I just like this middle ground where I go to do my job, make enough to live comfortably and save some for the future.

People call me mad for thinking this way. They point me to the people who are not as good as me, they tell me that if I dont do certain things they will overtake me and I will be left where I am currently. I need to run, I need to keep up. I need to do my job, learn new things, prepare for higher role, make sure I am ahead of that guy who I am supposed to be competeing with and do many many things - I dont have time for myself or to just sit and enjoy. They quote lines like "if you enjoy your work you will find time for everything", "learn to do things fast in short time", "busy man finds time for everything" etc etc.

No matter how fast pr perfect I might be in my work I am bound to get tired of this race. A guy with 10+ years under his belt can tell me to work smart, learn grow - but can he say that he never got sick of all this? I am sure he cannot.

That is why I dont want to be perfect - I am good at what I can do, and I want to draw the line, make my own rules, sit down and enjoy the moment - I want to be happy and content. To hell with the world!